An interesting opportunity presented itself at yesterday’s outing to the Long Island Fall Festival at Hecksher Park, Huntington. The Central Presbyterian Church of Huntington Village handed out sealed half-pint bottles of Poland Spring water with a packet of religious material hung off the neck. A rather savvy inducement to engage, I thought, when other vendors were selling drinks at a profitable premium.
A lable stuck on the back of the bottle, by the church, goes on to explain that ‘Jesus said “If a man is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.” John 7:37′. Way to go Presbyterians, that’s simply clever marketing!
Pity that it traded on the brand of Poland Spring in sealed, plastic throw away bottles because, I fear, few would have accepted an open glass of tap water from strangers. Did somebody even stop to contemplate the moral conundrum of trading on the certain fact that people would more likely accept a bottle of brand name water from a stranger than the message of god from a mainstream church? But that’s not where I’m going with this story.
Is Poland Spring really that much better than local tap water anyway? Later in the day, on passing the Home Depot display I was handed a free water test kit, so here I’m presented with the opportunity of putting the Poland Spring water to a free test.
Following instructions, the next morning, I break the seal on my bottle of Poland Spring, rinse out the test container and it’s screw-on cap and then fill it up, fasten the cap on tight and post it back together with questionnaire in the reply paid envelope provided. I answered all the questions fully, correctly and honestly, there is no requirement that the water sample be limited to any particular source, like my local stream, my home tap water — nor even from bottled water — so I’m comfortable that I’m neither abusing my gift* of water nor the free testing of it.
When the test comes back I’ll see where this story goes. Who is the test lab (CWS Testing Dept., 30 East Mall, Plainview, NY 11803-9826), what are they testing for, and what is their motivation in asking me to test a sample of water? Are they a green group lobbying for the clean up of local ground water, do they want to sell me a home filtration system or are they the back room boys for home schooling moms trying to teach creation science at their kitchen tables? I don’t know, yet …
*Not having the certainty of atheism on my side, I can’t be 100% sure that god won’t strike me down for sending holy water into the lab for testing.
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FOLLOW UP: Early the next week I missed a call on my phone, the one I quoted in the mailing. They left no message and didn’t call back. I Googled the number (516) 694-7873 and came up with Clean Water Service, Inc of Long Island — which is probably the same CWS I sent my test sample to.
FINAL UPDATE: I finally took a call from a CWS agent who, when pressed for specific results, said my sample was too small for a comprehensive analysis but that it contained chlorine and heavy metals. They wanted to come to my home to do a full analysis of my water (i.e. get their foot in the door for a sales pitch). It was such an obvious untruth from a mendacious weasel: Like hooking a guppy on a 50lb fishing line, there was no sport it, so I let it go.
